People Don't Belong to People

Happy Valentine's Day! I'm here to emphasize that the people you find attractive, as well as the people you find neutral or unattractive, don't belong to you.

I don't understand why people feel the need to comment on how someone else looks.

Well, I should be clearer: there are certain ways people comment on other people's looks that I don't understand. I'm completely in support of people who notice something aesthetically pleasing about someone else and compliment them for it. That can brighten someone's day. I also get why people might point out that someone has food stuck in their teeth, or that they're wearing something that isn't professional enough for the job interview they're headed to. Some people want that kind of warning, especially in the second example, since it might make or break an interview.

Any other comment related to appearance strikes me needlessly critical of something that has nothing to do with you.

I notice this most when women in the public eye alter their hair somehow, especially when it involves cutting the hair short. Despite the fact that women have been cutting their hair short forever, a lot of people think women look "objectively better" with long hair (perhaps because long hair is associated with femininity, and we all know how people like to keep women in a feminine box). There's this weird possessiveness involved with fans of these women, and a lot of them act personally offended if one of them changes her hair in a way they don't approve of. When I cut my hair in July, I deleted plenty of Instagram comments that said things like "Nooooo!" and "Whyyy???", mostly from men. Apparently, I was disrupting their lives somehow by making a choice about the hair sitting on my own head.

"Objectively better" my ass.

I vote that we stop passing critical judgments on how people should stylistically express themselves. The main reason why: "objectively better" doesn't exist. Beauty is subjective. There isn't a single thing in the world that every person on Earth agrees is beautiful. Keeping that in mind, we should allow every person to be in charge of their own personal beauty, because odds are, the way they're presenting themselves is their idea of beautiful. Your criticisms of their beauty are invalid, because their opinions about their body, face, hair, etc. will trump yours every single time. This includes well-intentioned comments.

Not every compliment is even safe from this, because they can sometimes come off as backhanded. I've had several people say to me that it's lucky I "have a face for" a pixie cut. So, if I didn't have the "face" for a pixie cut, whatever that is, I shouldn't get one, even if I want one? If I think a pixie cut looks good on me and I want it, that should be the end of the story. I don't care what height or width you think my face should be, or how my jawline should look relative to the hairstyle, or what shade of skin "works best" with what hair color. Aesthetic theorists have been trying for centuries to come up with a working definition of beauty and no definition has been agreed upon by everyone. Any supposed "standards" for what the ideal pixie cut face looks like have been invented by our culture, our media, the advertising industry, etc., which are all biased towards white faces and bodies. They're not as relevant to your personal taste as you think they are.

As far as those in the public eye go, this speaks to a larger problem in society of fans treating people like they're commodities rather than, you know, people. Some artists and actors draw people in partially because of their physical aesthetic. Okay, that's fine--nothing wrong with enjoying what a person looks like as long as you don't dehumanize them. So when one of these artists tries something new, i.e. alters that aesthetic, fans react like the "product" sold to them didn't arrive with all the features the Amazon description promised. They get angry. They feel betrayed. The artist in question becomes something they own, and they demand that "it" switch back to what they "paid" for. This especially affects people who aren't content with one style for long and change it up often.

Whenever Hayley Williams deviates from red or orange, some people act like she's no longer Hayley Williams. (Source)

But this isn't limited to celebrities. Most people do this in some form or another with the people in their lives, especially their significant others. The idea that a significant other needs to monitor or approve of how their significant other looks inherently suppresses individuality. It can lead to someone folding themselves into an ill-fitted box so that the other person likes what they see (I know, because I've done it). It can reduce someone's chances of trying something new and exciting because they fear the backlash from their significant other.

This wouldn't be such a problem if it wasn't a thing that people expect between couples in this society. Not tolerate, or put up with, or ignore. Expect. And it grosses me out.

I once dated someone who "playfully" whined every time I got a haircut, and who made comments about how he missed the long hair I had when we started dating. Days after we broke up, I cut it shorter than it'd ever been (mostly because I'd wanted to, anyway, but there was some spite in there). I'm thankful every day that I didn't let his complaints influence what choices I made with my hair, and I wish I hadn't let him influence my fashion choices in the same way.

I've made a couple drastic changes with my hair in the last few months, but not once did I ask my fiancé if they would be all right with me having a pixie cut, or with me dying it red. I also didn't ask their permission to change my glasses frames to larger Ray-Bans. And, because they respect my autonomy, I've gotten nothing but support from them.

You are not your significant other's parent, and they're not yours. With that in mind, it doesn't make sense ask them if an outfit is okay to wear, or if they'd be bothered if your nails were a certain color, or if they wouldn't want to be seen with you in those shoes. Of course, this is different from asking for their input, such as, "Do you think I should go with the blue or green eyeshadow?" or "Which pair of jeans do you think fits me best?" Any opinion they give in response to those questions is invited. But if you treat their opinions on your appearance as the be-all, end-all, you risk burying your individuality. This is about you and your body, not theirs.

If only the movie had let her retain that opinion, LIKE IN THE BOOK. (Yeah, I'm one of the few Audrey Hepburn fans who can't stand the movie version of Breakfast at Tiffany's).

If you can't read the above captions, here's the text:

Paul: Holly, I am in love with you.
Holly: So what?
Paul: So what? So plenty! I love you! You belong to me.
Holly: No. People don't belong to people.
Paul: Of course they do!
Holly: I'm not gonna let anyone put me in a cage!
Paul: I'm not gonna put you in a cage. I wanna love you!
Holly: It's the same thing!

While I wouldn't necessarily agree with Holly Golightly that being loved and being put in a cage are the same thing, I don't blame her for thinking so. She was a woman in the 1960s, and most of the men who claimed to love her acted like loving her fell right into step with owning her, like Dumbass McGee up there. If entering a relationship with someone involves giving up some crucial part of what makes you you, it's not worth it. Sure, people in relationships make sacrifices for each other, but said sacrifices shouldn't result in you absorbing your entire being into another person. Don't give someone else ownership over you. Establish a partnership instead.

This doesn't just apply to women, or to people in heterosexual relationships. Occasionally, people nag my nonbinary fiancé about trimming or shaving their beard, or cutting their hair. Usually, they say they don't want to, because it's their face/head and they should be able to do what they damn well please. Sometimes, people will say that it's fine if they don't shave/cut it, as long as I'm fine with it. What the hell? It shouldn't matter whether or not I'm fine with it. I don't set boundaries for my fiancé's appearance, no matter how big or small. They're at their most beautiful when they're happy with how they look.

I mean, look at that happy face.

At this point, I'm not even comfortable assigning outfits for my future bridesmaids/groomspeople (?)/insert-gender-neutral-term-for-people-who-stand-next-to-you-in-a-wedding-here. It feels weird. Like, I guess it should be formal and maybe match a color theme? I don't know? They should be the people to choose.

So, go out there and have a nice Valentine's Day. Spread judgment-free love. I don't care if the person's your friend, your significant other, your child, your sibling, or your grandma. Let people be themselves.

-Morgan

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In Defense of Miley's Nudity

Miley Cyrus is a hot topic these days. Makes sense--she draws attention to herself, she behaves in a lot of controversial ways, and she's no stranger to making bold statements. She also makes a lot of people angry.

People like to mention her to me because I worked with her, whether they're strangers on the Internet or various people I interact with in my regular life. Often, they will make some negative remark about Miley, perhaps to see how I will react or expecting me to agree.

Though I support much of what Miley does, I don't endorse all of it. The biggest improvements she could stand to make involve educating herself about race, the role racism plays in society, and how she has contributed to it. She's participated in a lot of harmful cultural appropriation. The way she responded to Nicki Minaj's criticism of the VMA's choice to omit "Anaconda" from the Video of the Year lineup demonstrated ignorance and irresponsibility as a feminist. Since Miley wants to fight so hard against sexism, homophobia, and transphobia, she should add racism to that list and recognize how all of these things can overlap.

But when people bash Miley in front of me, it is never about this. It's always stuff like, "Good thing you don't dress like her!" and "You wouldn't associate with her now, right, with her waving her vag all over the place?"

This makes me so uncomfortable.

The only concern I have with this picture is, "Isn't she cold??"

First of all, buried in those statements is the implicit understanding that I'm better than Miley because of the lifestyle I've chosen. It's a backhanded way of giving me approval for not showing too much skin, staying away from drugs and parties, going to college, etc. There's nothing inherently superior about those things, though. They just reflect my personality, as Miley's behaviors and modes of self-expression reflect hers.

Unfortunately, I'm very familiar with getting this kind of attitude from people. In high school, I had an unusual group of friends. We were a bunch of misfits who didn't share much in common beyond a few interests and what people might call "troubled" emotional lives. I was the academic kid in the group, the one who liked to read, cared about her grades, and planned on college.

Every so often, an adult, such as a teacher or another student's parent, would say to me, "Wait, you're friends with them? But...you're so smart/put-together/pleasant!"

If they thought I was put-together, well, I'm glad the ruse was working. But how was I supposed to react to this? People decades older than me who I often admired fueled my compliments by stomping all over my friends first. I had real reasons to care about my friends. I didn't view them as being beneath me or undeserving of my attention, as others seemed to think I should. I just viewed them as different. So these comments made me feel gross.

I feel similarly sick when people speak to me about Miley in this way, like I narrowly avoided her satanic influence or something. Here's another thing, though: it's not just that I dislike people insulting someone I used to work with. I also actively support much of Miley's exploits. Yes, including the way she parades around the world half-naked.

"Don't worry, Miley, I'll distract the haters with my questionable hairstyle."

It's easy to feel like people in our culture are terrified of naked human bodies, especially what many people think of as "female" bodies (bodies with breasts and/or vaginas aren't inherently female, since people who identify as male or nonbinary can have breasts and/or vaginas, too). A lot of the time, they automatically equate bodies with sex, and sex with indecency/sin/teenage pregnancy/take your pick. When they see a naked body, they shield their eyes. They condemn the naked body, this thing that everyone has, as inappropriate. Sometimes something to be ashamed of.

My question is, why? The only reason I can see for covering your eyes around a naked person is if they've asked you to look away because they're not comfortable with you seeing their body (which should always be honored). But if they're letting it all hang out there on purpose, who cares? Treat them like you would any clothed person. If you can wrap your mind around that, it becomes so much less awkward and no longer taboo.

When traveling in England earlier this year, I witnessed about fifty naked people on bicycles zooming down the streets of Canterbury. My first impulse was to avert my eyes, like some others were doing, but instead, I reminded myself that they were just bodies. Nothing to be afraid of. So I watched them on purpose. The more I looked at their bodies, the more normal they seemed. It legitimately didn't bother me that I was surrounded by all these naked people. It was awesome.

I feel like Miley is challenging this social norm, and I think she's doing it on purpose. She knows how weird people get around nudity and she's decided it's bullshit. I loved watching her on Jimmy Kimmel recently because while she's trying to continue with the show, Kimmel can't get over how much of her breasts are showing. He comes off as childish. She just treats her exposed breasts like a normal thing, which is what they should be.

I scrolled past this picture earlier and found it no more offensive than someone's beach selfie.

This means a lot to me personally because of how many years I spent ashamed of my body. Once puberty hit, I hid myself in long pants and oversized sweaters because I didn't like how I looked. I wasn't comfortable in my skin, and I specifically hated my arms, stomach, and thighs. Skirts, shorts, and dresses were out of the question unless I wore tights and a jacket. For visits to the beach, I donned a one-piece bathing suit that I quickly covered with a T-shirt and shorts. I was damn stubborn about it, too. I lived in Southern California, for crying out loud, and I always refused to take off my sweater, no matter how hot I was.

Women, or people perceived as women, are not helped through this process by school dress codes. My shame was encouraged by dress codes proclaiming that tank tops and skirts higher than the knee would sexually arouse my male peers and "give people the wrong idea." Not only was I uncomfortable with showing my body because of how it looked, but I also thought, "I don't want to seem like one of those types of girls. I want people to think I'm dignified. I don't want people to think I'm a slut."

Dress codes were teaching me that certain parts of my body were wrong. They were teaching me to look down on other girls who chose to show those parts of themselves, to see them as undignified, to assume that these girls didn't respect themselves. Dress codes were teaching me that as long as I was not like them, as long as I was a good girl and covered myself, people would approve of me, and I would be allowed to approve of myself.

Fast-forward to now. Around the time college started, I tried shorts without tights and dresses without jackets. Last year, I bought my first crop top, and now I own several. Every time I walk outside wearing a crop top and shorts, like I did today, I feel so empowered. I feel proud of my body and excited to show it off. That doesn't mean I'm comfortable walking around nude--I'm personally too modest for that--but I will champion and respect anyone who wants to do so. I admire people, like Miley, who can do that.

I never looked this happy in high school pictures.

So yeah, come to me with your complaints about Miley's cultural appropriation problem. I will agree with you. But please don't gripe about how naked she is and expect me to nod my head along with you. As far as I'm concerned, Miley can dress however the hell she wants. I hope we as a society eventually reach a point where the naked human body is no longer stigmatized and people aren't encouraged to be ashamed of them.

-Morgan

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