People Don't Belong to People

Happy Valentine's Day! I'm here to emphasize that the people you find attractive, as well as the people you find neutral or unattractive, don't belong to you.

I don't understand why people feel the need to comment on how someone else looks.

Well, I should be clearer: there are certain ways people comment on other people's looks that I don't understand. I'm completely in support of people who notice something aesthetically pleasing about someone else and compliment them for it. That can brighten someone's day. I also get why people might point out that someone has food stuck in their teeth, or that they're wearing something that isn't professional enough for the job interview they're headed to. Some people want that kind of warning, especially in the second example, since it might make or break an interview.

Any other comment related to appearance strikes me needlessly critical of something that has nothing to do with you.

I notice this most when women in the public eye alter their hair somehow, especially when it involves cutting the hair short. Despite the fact that women have been cutting their hair short forever, a lot of people think women look "objectively better" with long hair (perhaps because long hair is associated with femininity, and we all know how people like to keep women in a feminine box). There's this weird possessiveness involved with fans of these women, and a lot of them act personally offended if one of them changes her hair in a way they don't approve of. When I cut my hair in July, I deleted plenty of Instagram comments that said things like "Nooooo!" and "Whyyy???", mostly from men. Apparently, I was disrupting their lives somehow by making a choice about the hair sitting on my own head.

"Objectively better" my ass.

I vote that we stop passing critical judgments on how people should stylistically express themselves. The main reason why: "objectively better" doesn't exist. Beauty is subjective. There isn't a single thing in the world that every person on Earth agrees is beautiful. Keeping that in mind, we should allow every person to be in charge of their own personal beauty, because odds are, the way they're presenting themselves is their idea of beautiful. Your criticisms of their beauty are invalid, because their opinions about their body, face, hair, etc. will trump yours every single time. This includes well-intentioned comments.

Not every compliment is even safe from this, because they can sometimes come off as backhanded. I've had several people say to me that it's lucky I "have a face for" a pixie cut. So, if I didn't have the "face" for a pixie cut, whatever that is, I shouldn't get one, even if I want one? If I think a pixie cut looks good on me and I want it, that should be the end of the story. I don't care what height or width you think my face should be, or how my jawline should look relative to the hairstyle, or what shade of skin "works best" with what hair color. Aesthetic theorists have been trying for centuries to come up with a working definition of beauty and no definition has been agreed upon by everyone. Any supposed "standards" for what the ideal pixie cut face looks like have been invented by our culture, our media, the advertising industry, etc., which are all biased towards white faces and bodies. They're not as relevant to your personal taste as you think they are.

As far as those in the public eye go, this speaks to a larger problem in society of fans treating people like they're commodities rather than, you know, people. Some artists and actors draw people in partially because of their physical aesthetic. Okay, that's fine--nothing wrong with enjoying what a person looks like as long as you don't dehumanize them. So when one of these artists tries something new, i.e. alters that aesthetic, fans react like the "product" sold to them didn't arrive with all the features the Amazon description promised. They get angry. They feel betrayed. The artist in question becomes something they own, and they demand that "it" switch back to what they "paid" for. This especially affects people who aren't content with one style for long and change it up often.

Whenever Hayley Williams deviates from red or orange, some people act like she's no longer Hayley Williams. (Source)

But this isn't limited to celebrities. Most people do this in some form or another with the people in their lives, especially their significant others. The idea that a significant other needs to monitor or approve of how their significant other looks inherently suppresses individuality. It can lead to someone folding themselves into an ill-fitted box so that the other person likes what they see (I know, because I've done it). It can reduce someone's chances of trying something new and exciting because they fear the backlash from their significant other.

This wouldn't be such a problem if it wasn't a thing that people expect between couples in this society. Not tolerate, or put up with, or ignore. Expect. And it grosses me out.

I once dated someone who "playfully" whined every time I got a haircut, and who made comments about how he missed the long hair I had when we started dating. Days after we broke up, I cut it shorter than it'd ever been (mostly because I'd wanted to, anyway, but there was some spite in there). I'm thankful every day that I didn't let his complaints influence what choices I made with my hair, and I wish I hadn't let him influence my fashion choices in the same way.

I've made a couple drastic changes with my hair in the last few months, but not once did I ask my fiancé if they would be all right with me having a pixie cut, or with me dying it red. I also didn't ask their permission to change my glasses frames to larger Ray-Bans. And, because they respect my autonomy, I've gotten nothing but support from them.

You are not your significant other's parent, and they're not yours. With that in mind, it doesn't make sense ask them if an outfit is okay to wear, or if they'd be bothered if your nails were a certain color, or if they wouldn't want to be seen with you in those shoes. Of course, this is different from asking for their input, such as, "Do you think I should go with the blue or green eyeshadow?" or "Which pair of jeans do you think fits me best?" Any opinion they give in response to those questions is invited. But if you treat their opinions on your appearance as the be-all, end-all, you risk burying your individuality. This is about you and your body, not theirs.

If only the movie had let her retain that opinion, LIKE IN THE BOOK. (Yeah, I'm one of the few Audrey Hepburn fans who can't stand the movie version of Breakfast at Tiffany's).

If you can't read the above captions, here's the text:

Paul: Holly, I am in love with you.
Holly: So what?
Paul: So what? So plenty! I love you! You belong to me.
Holly: No. People don't belong to people.
Paul: Of course they do!
Holly: I'm not gonna let anyone put me in a cage!
Paul: I'm not gonna put you in a cage. I wanna love you!
Holly: It's the same thing!

While I wouldn't necessarily agree with Holly Golightly that being loved and being put in a cage are the same thing, I don't blame her for thinking so. She was a woman in the 1960s, and most of the men who claimed to love her acted like loving her fell right into step with owning her, like Dumbass McGee up there. If entering a relationship with someone involves giving up some crucial part of what makes you you, it's not worth it. Sure, people in relationships make sacrifices for each other, but said sacrifices shouldn't result in you absorbing your entire being into another person. Don't give someone else ownership over you. Establish a partnership instead.

This doesn't just apply to women, or to people in heterosexual relationships. Occasionally, people nag my nonbinary fiancé about trimming or shaving their beard, or cutting their hair. Usually, they say they don't want to, because it's their face/head and they should be able to do what they damn well please. Sometimes, people will say that it's fine if they don't shave/cut it, as long as I'm fine with it. What the hell? It shouldn't matter whether or not I'm fine with it. I don't set boundaries for my fiancé's appearance, no matter how big or small. They're at their most beautiful when they're happy with how they look.

I mean, look at that happy face.

At this point, I'm not even comfortable assigning outfits for my future bridesmaids/groomspeople (?)/insert-gender-neutral-term-for-people-who-stand-next-to-you-in-a-wedding-here. It feels weird. Like, I guess it should be formal and maybe match a color theme? I don't know? They should be the people to choose.

So, go out there and have a nice Valentine's Day. Spread judgment-free love. I don't care if the person's your friend, your significant other, your child, your sibling, or your grandma. Let people be themselves.

-Morgan

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My Love/Meh Relationship with Frozen

Pretty personal post ahead. But I thought it was important to share on this blog, since it is closely linked with the role fiction can play in one's life and in one's identity.

If you've been on the Internet at any point over the past three months, you definitely haven't encountered this totally obscure Disney movie, Frozen. On the off chance you do know which movie I'm talking about, be warned that this post contains spoilers.

The moment the movie came out, every other person I talked to told me I needed to see it as soon as possible. People said it was the best Disney princess movie since Beauty and the Beast. I practically knew all the songs before I actually saw the thing. Two of my college-aged friends have seen the movie in theaters five times. I thought, whoa, this movie must be Pixar-level amazing. So I walked into the theater with extremely high expectations...

...and walked out confused. Disappointed. My sister agreed with me. The movie was trying too hard to be Tangled--the Sven character was completely interchangeable with the horse from Rapunzel's film. Out of all the jokes in the movie, one made me laugh. One. Even then, it was just a little "heh." I couldn't stand Olaf (I feel so bad saying that, because he's cute and sweet, just not funny to me). Elsa rubbed me the wrong way. Much of the plot "twists" were incredibly predictable. I was glad Disney finally subscribed to a type of "true love" that wasn't romantic, but I just wish I hadn't seen it coming from a mile away. Don't even get me started on Disney's choice to make Hans evil. Why were people so crazy about this movie?

Well, big deal, right? I don't have to love a movie everyone else is, for some reason, obsessed with. I participated in the cultural phenomenon and now I can move on. I tend to be a harsh critic of movies in general, anyway, so this shouldn't bother me so much.

But then there's this:

That is a picture of me and my sister, Wendy, above the movie's sister characters, Anna and Elsa. It's great that Anna is the younger sister and Elsa older, because as far as my sister and I go, the personalities match us almost perfectly. If someone had told me, "Hey, they're gonna make a movie about an older sister who has emotional issues that she doesn't know how to control and a sweet, optimistic sister who has complete faith in her," I would have thought the scriptwriters were spying on my family.

Remember, I wasn't a big fan of the movie. But the fact that I wasn't a huge fan kept bothering me, long after I'd seen it. Part of it may have related to the fact that I felt left out, since everyone else latched onto it. But I've come up with a couple more reasons that the bitterness stuck with me:

1) I'm mad that this movie didn't come out in the 90s.

Ariel!...and Eric. Belle!....and the Beast. Kiara!...and Kovu. These are the main characters of some of the Disney movies my sister and I watched (and acted out in front of the screen) as kids. Notice something about these movies? They're running low on female characters. This meant that, unless one of us wanted to be one of Gaston's fangirls or Lion King 2's evil Zera, only one of us could be "the girl," and the other was stuck being the boy. Because I was the bossy older sister, I usually got to be the female character, to Wendy's dismay.

Sure, we could have come up with our own characters, which we did. But it was fun to pretend we were characters we could see onscreen. These movies had merchandise, soundtracks we could sing to and toys we could play with. This stuff stretched the worlds further, made the fictional playground bigger. Wendy and I had a few sister movies to choose from, of course--she was the Hallie to my Annie (The Parent Trap remake), the Mei to my Satsuki (Totoro), the Mary-Kate to my Ashley (I'm not gonna list them all). But did these movies offer toys you could play with, or outfits, or dolls? Totoro has some, but not of the sisters.

If this movie had come out when we were kids, my poor mother probably would have purchased half the Frozen merchandise in the Disney store. We would have had Elsa and Anna dolls. We would have danced around singing "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?" and "For the First Time in Forever (Reprise)" together. We would have dressed our little brother in white and called him Olaf. Heck, we would probably have started asking people to call us Elsa and Anna (we would sometimes ask people to call us by our middle names, which are close enough--I'm Morgan Elizabeth, she's Wendy Anne).

Is it immature of me to whine about how my childhood lacked Frozen? Absolutely. My childhood had plenty of wonderful things, and I'm thrilled for the little sisters of the world who get to grow up with these characters. I'm just a little jealous of them, too.

Here comes the bigger one:

2) I saw too much of Elsa in myself.

Recall how I said Elsa rubbed me the wrong way. I also mentioned that I was the bossy older sister, kind of flippantly. But I say that with some pain.

Emotions have been a big...thing for me for much of my life. If my novels are ever published, you will see what I mean. I was always the temperamental kid in the house. I had a hitting problem that I took out on my siblings. In high school, I had meltdowns. And over the past three or four years, I realized my out-of-control emotions could hurt people. I didn't know what to do about it. I tried telling myself not to explode when I felt a freak-out coming on, but that didn't help. It usually made it worse. This all leads up to the present day, when recently, a counselor told me I punish myself for feeling things too intensely.

 This scene looked familiar.

I told my friend, who is the number one Frozen fan, about this counseling session. Later on, she said to me, "If you punish yourself for your emotions, why didn't you like Elsa?"

Hm. Well, Elsa had a resolution. I'm better than I was a few years ago, but I still haven't really resolved this yet.

One thing I knew people were wild about was Elsa's song, "Let it Go" (which I now enjoy, though I don't think it's musically or lyrically strong enough to be Oscar-worthy--the best thing about it is Idina Menzel's voice). That's when she uses her icky feelings to construct her castle, which I could easily tie to my own novel-writing. I knew Elsa was bothering me, but I couldn't articulate why at the time. Some part of me must have been thinking, or rather feeling, "Let it go, huh? It'd be nice if it were that easy."

 Pictured: not me.

I kept thinking, no, she can't win. She's still hurting people. How can this song be so triumphant when "letting it go" isn't actually the answer? The whole country or whatever Arendelle is has been plunged into eternal winter because she's cursed with emotions that overpower her--I mean, ice powers. Later, when Anna tells her this, she acknowledges this herself: "I'm such a fool! I can't be free! No escape from the storm inside of me!"

I identified so strongly with Elsa that she repelled me. That happened to me the first time I read Dosteovsky, too. I pride myself as someone who is willing to look at her flaws, but sometimes, I guess it gets too close and I start pushing things away.

And I have an Anna. I have a sister who loves me even though I bossed her around and hurt her. I pushed her away plenty, especially during my last two years of high school. Sure, our relationship is great now, but I can never undo any of that stuff.

 (And she would still probably do this for me).

Is it possible to love a character and not like the movie so much? I think so. That's how I feel about Holly Golightly--Breakfast at Tiffany's is otherwise not so great (please read the book; it is so much better). After three months of not understanding my reaction to this movie, I've settled on this stance. Frozen? Meh. Anna and Elsa? Love.

And if you see yourself in a character, don't hate him or her. This goes double if you see yourself in another person you meet--I know of so many people who see their own traits in another and so decide they dislike that person. Treat that character or individual with empathy and kindness. You may learn something about yourself.

Maybe one day I will let it go. If not, I've still got that bitchin' ice castle.

-Morgan

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Frequently Asked Questions

Last updated on October 4, 2015.

So, I've decided to take a leaf out of Mara Wilson's book and respond to some questions I'm asked on Twitter all the time. It's understandable, of course--I get new followers, they haven't seen my responses to previous questions, and so they ask me. I thought it would be a lot more convenient to put them all together here, just so I'm not answering the same common questions over and over again. Here we go!

1) Why did you stop acting? Will you ever act again?

I stopped acting for many reasons, but they are best summarized in this post and this post. As for the second question, I doubt it. I've got a lot going on right now--I'm writing novels, editing novels, researching the publishing industry, keeping up this blog, and more. Acting isn't really in the cards. As for the distant future, I'm not planning on it...but hey, if I ever published my novels and one got adapted into a movie, I wouldn't mind appearing in it! So long as the role was appropriate.

2) Are you in touch with any of your former castmates?

Not very many of them, but I am in touch with a few online. We don't talk often, but I'm always happy to interact with them when the occasion arises. Most of the people in my life are family members/loved ones, people I attended school with, and other friends made outside acting.

3) What was it like to work with [insert former castmate here]?

This answer varies from actor to actor, but honestly, I can't think of anyone I worked with who would elicit a "Yeah, they sucked" reaction from me. Everyone I worked with had (and probably still has) lovely qualities.

5) What writing projects are you working on?

Thank you so much for your interest! For a long time, I have been working on a four-part YA fantasy series. The first book in the series, and the one that's the most polished, is The Hollow Between. I am currently drafting book four.

6) Can we chat privately over e-mail?

I'm afraid I wouldn't feel comfortable chatting with strangers over e-mail. First of all, there's an imbalance--you know a lot more about me than I do about you, because you've seen me in a movie/TV, but I've never seen you before. That doesn't mean I'm not open to chatting with new, friendly people (who I bet are every bit as interesting as anyone on TV!), but I feel more comfortable doing it in a public setting. If you want to contact me, please do so in a mention over Twitter. Unless I feel like you're asking me something too personal, I will be happy to respond.

Note: I don't DM fans over Twitter or Instagram for the same reasons I won't give out my e-mail.

7) What social media sites are you on?

My public social media presences include this blog, my Twitter account, and my Instagram account. Please note that these are my ONLY public accounts; any others you see are impersonators. I'm open to interacting with fans on all of these platforms. I also have a GoodReads account, but I don't spend much time chatting with anyone on there. I also only tend to add real-life friends as friends on GoodReads. I have other online accounts, but those are private, and usually reserved for people I know personally.

8) Will you look at my writing?

Depends on how long it is and if it's available online. If the only way you can get it to me is via e-mail, see #6 above. I'm happy to look at short pieces that don't take very much time, and if I read, I will give feedback.

9) Will you collaborate on a writing project with me?

I've never collaborated on a writing project before. I may do so in the future, but for now, I lead a busy life and probably wouldn't be able to commit to a joint project like that.

10) Will it bother you if I call you Lulu, Kim, Sarah, etc.?

Yes. I understand that most people know me by the names of the characters I play on TV, but my identity is more than those roles, especially since I no longer act. Please be respectful of my identity and call me Morgan. For more on this, read here (scroll up and read the first six tweets from the top).

11) Will you follow me on Twitter/Instagram?

When I first joined Twitter, I decided to follow back everyone who asked me. I thought, "Why don't more people do this? It's a nice thing to do!" I quickly learned why. The more people I followed back, the more cluttered my newsfeed became with things I wasn't necessarily interested in. Soon enough, I realized scrolling through my Twitter feed had become a chore. That wasn't good, since I joined the website so I could join and learn more about its writing community. So I unfollowed a bunch of people and will now only follow people if they're generating content I'm interested in seeing. This of course doesn't mean the people I unfollowed weren't saying delightful things in their own right--they just didn't align with my interests and it made no sense for me to follow them.

12) I have a question for you that isn't covered here. How may I ask it?

You can send me a tweet on Twitter (just put @morganyorkwrite at the beginning of your tweet). Some people ask questions in the comment section of one of my Instagram pictures, which is also fine.

13) Will you ever shut up about Leo Tolstoy/James Joyce/Audrey Hepburn/Paramore?

No.

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Who Are Your Role Models and Why?

In this media-driven age, it seems most people's role models come primarily from the entertainment industry. It's a lot more common to hear someone say, "I wanna be like Lady Gaga!" than it is to hear someone say, "I wanna be like Stephen Hawking!" Granted, there are probably tons of people out there who wanna be like Stephen Hawking. But many average folk, especially if they're young, idolize singers and actors, Youtube personalities and comedians--in other words, celebrities. Hell, that's why we call them "idols," a word that used to just mean objects of worship, often representing gods. Look at the chilling implications of that etymology. Celebrities have become gods.

When asked why a person admires a certain entertainer, they will give you reasons. "I really like her style," or, "His music inspires me," seem common enough. And those are fine reasons. But some people take it a step farther and start modeling their behavior after these people. The singer you like may have a sharp fashion sense, but on the other hand, she might also have spent $24 million dollars on her wedding, and does not spend a penny on charities that she can certainly afford to donate to. On the flip side, you might love an actor who constantly volunteers with humanitarian organizations, and promotes them when he is too busy to help out personally.

The point I'm trying to make here is I don't know if everyone looks up to celebrities for the right reasons.

Let me tell you a story about one of my role models: Audrey Hepburn. I did not become enamored with her until last summer. What triggered my interest were two very superficial factors: 1) The face of my favorite Disney princess as a child, Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) was supposedly modeled after Audrey's, and 2) Audrey is my favorite feminine name. I knew people revered her and that she's persisted as a popular Hollywood icon for the past sixty years, but I had never seen any of her films. So I sat down with my mom and watched Roman Holiday. Then Sabrina. Then My Fair Lady. Then Breakfast at Tiffany's, but only after reading Truman Capote's novella of the same name (which is better than the film, by the way).

Of course, her performances charmed me the way they've charmed thousands, perhaps millions of other people over the decades. She was young, especially in Roman Holiday and Sabrina, but carried herself with wisdom and understanding that seemed older than her. She did not play her characters for laughs, as so many romantic comedy actresses seem to do nowadays, nor did she ever come across as melodramatic to me. Everything about her acting seemed earnest. She understood her characters, their pains and their desires, how seriously or lightly they took themselves to be. Princess Ann, Sabrina, Holly Golightly and Eliza Doolittle all look essentially the same, but she did what a good actor does--transformed them each into their own person, even lending authenticity to Eliza, who is written as an exaggerated character. She impressed me the way a chameleon like Meryl Streep does today.

But had I not looked any more into Audrey's life, that's all she would have been to me: a good actress.

I wanted to learn more, so I researched her biographies, hoping to find one that would give me the best insight into her life. I ended up buying Audrey Hepburn, An Elegant Spirit: A Son Remembers (links to the book's Amazon page). Some anonymous commenter on Yahoo answers mentioned that, since it was written by her son, Sean Ferrer, it came across as more heartfelt and invested than any of the others. After reading it, I agreed. It made me fall in love with Audrey for a better, separate reason, because I got a glimpse of the kind of person she was.

According to her son, Audrey was, despite being the glamor icon she is now, humble and not very flashy. She was not slim because she obsessed over her body weight for industry reasons, but because she preferred small meals, and because her body experienced extreme hunger during World War II (she lived in the Netherlands during Germany's occupation there in the 1940s). She did not view herself in an elevated light because she was an actress. In fact, she did not think much of herself at all. She did not think herself pretty (dear god), and she refused to write an autobiography because she did not think her life interesting enough; she doubted anyone would like it.

But above all, she was compassionate. She loved her father to the end, although he abandoned her and left her emotionally wounded. She became heavily involved in UNICEF, physically and emotionally providing for African children who were both figuratively and literally starving (in the biography, Sean Ferrer recounts a touching anecdote in which a young African girl standing in line for food feels torn between getting her food and running to Audrey for a hug. In the end, she flings herself into Audrey's arms, craving motherly love more than nourishment). She believed in "never throw[ing] out anyone," and she always put her children before her career. Honestly, read the biography, because Ferrer paints a beautiful picture of his mother, and I believe everything he says is sincere. His words overflow with so much love and loss (he wrote it after her death) that it couldn't be anything but sincere.

I believe this compassion is what made her such a wonderful actress. When I see a sub-par acting performance, I always wonder if they're forgetting to let themselves be compassionate toward their character. Nailing a character's speech patterns, quirks, and "motivation" are important, yes. But if you do not truly understand your character, empathize with your character, even if (especially if) that character's values/morals/beliefs do not fall into line with yours, then I don't think you can portray them properly. I apply this same principle to writing. Compassion is the most valuable thing you can teach through your characters, no matter what medium you present them in. And though I never knew her and never will, I believe Audrey understood this. I thought it the moment Ferrer wrote about having to act in a school play as a character plagued with various diseases, and his mother told him to make sure he knew what all of those diseases were, and their symptoms. She taught him not just to intellectually understand his character, but to really feel the character. Heart and head both intertwine to make a person. Squeezing out a few tears to make your portrayal seem more authentic doesn't cut it on its own.

It's impossible to tell what a person's really like. A celebrity who you love and seems perfect could be (and probably is) hiding their flaws from their fans and critics. The actress who seems like a bitch in the tabloids could actually be a sweetheart in person. But what I'm saying here is, examine why you admire your role models. Whenever I meet another Audrey fan who likes her movies, but doesn't care about her UNICEF period, I wrinkle my nose a little. It seems like an insult to her memory. It would be so easy to love Audrey for her beauty and her elvish charm alone, but my heart feels so much warmer when I remember how she tended to those lost children, and how she treated her characters just as affectionately. Think of the person behind the idol, or what you know about that person, since you can't really know them. Think about their humanity, not the dress they wore to such-and-such premiere, or how they do their make-up. These things are fine to think about and admire, yes, but don't make them the basis of your admiration.

So, why do you like Lady Gaga? Is it because she champions equal rights? Or is it the meat dress?

-Morgan

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